WILL MY BABIES REMEMBER ME?

That’s the question kept running through my head… It all started with a weird and unusual pain in my stomach and an even weirder arm pain a week before Christmas. I dismissed it as “stress, holiday food, whatever”. My best friend made me go to the doctor who ordered an EKG, blood work (both of which came back fine) followed by an upper GI ultrasound, that didn’t turn out so fine. I saw two “spots” on my liver and the chatty technician became very quiet while she zoomed in and took pictures of these spots then parted with “someone will call you with the results.” I told my husband (okay, cried hysterically into the phone is more accurate) and we decided to hold off saying anything to family until we knew more. Finally, the doctor called to tell me what I already knew “you’ve got some spots on your liver and I’m ordering an MRI, you need to call to get in ASAP. It could be a cluster of blood cells or something else…” I was hit by a wave of panic and dread ‘something else?” I had been hoping I imagined seeing the spots or that everyone has spots on their liver. Was I over reacting? Maybe, but there is cancer in my family, my mom is a survivor, closely related cousins, uncles, grandmother; breast cancer, thyroid cancer, pancreatic cancer, melanoma, colon cancer, it’s there and it scares me. And while the internet is a wonderful resource, it didn’t do much to calm my fears about spots on the liver or liver cancer.

I think I averaged about 3 hours of intermittent sleep per night over the past 20 days waiting for the doctor to call and test results to be relayed. Holidays and weekends are not your friend when you’re waiting to find out what those “spots” really are. From the time Chase was a baby my husband always said (jokingly) “nothing can ever happen to you, if it does our kids are screwed with me for a dad.” He’s a great dad, he loves our kids, and he works very hard to provide for our family. But, when it comes to patience and the day to day stuff, the emotional stuff, the cuddling on the sofa, weekly tickle fights, organizing family fun nights, vacations, trips to the zoo/water park/play dates, planning birthday parties, baths, grocery shopping, cooking, trying new foods, helping with homework, registering for school, talking to teachers, signing up for t-ball/ballet/basketball/football, tucking them in at bedtime, buying clothes, cleaning out closets, building snowmen, getting to school – that’s me. If something happens to me, who would do these things?

They’re so young, would they even remember me by the time they started middle school? Would Julia remember me singing the “sunshine song” to her every night? Would Chase remember eating cheese and crackers while we watch “The Tonight Show” after everyone else is sleeping when we’re on vacation? Would they know how much I loved them and how hard I tried to be a good mommy? Of course, we didn’t say anything to the children, but it’s funny how they just pick up on things. Chase would snuggle up to me and say out of the blue “I just want to keep you forever Mom, I just love you so much you, don’t even know.” Julia became my constant shadow, never out of eyesight and calling out “Mom? Mom? Where are you?” if I walked down the hall or around the corner.

My mind went in all different directions and all of them were scary. If I’m gone and something happens to Tony, then what? Who would want to take in our children? My sister? My parents? Tony’s sister? My best friend? Who would raise them like we would? Tony and I have talked about this several times in the past, but how do you decide who to ask to raise your children? We’re healthy and young, so, we never asked anyone. Finally, the doctor called with the test results; I have two benign liver hemangiomas. I’m so thankful for this GREAT news. This health situation gave my husband and I a lot to think about. Do you have a plan for your children in the event of your death or terminal illness and how did you decide who to ask?